You’re renovating an old house with your spouse or significant other, you fabulous do-it-yourselfers! You’ve missed a few deadlines, and actual costs are exceeding your budget, which you’ve already stretched to the breaking point. You and your significant other devote all your spare time on the house, talking about it, working on it with each other. It’s late, and you’ve put together and taken apart the pedestal sink three times, and your love-of-your-life is not listening to you. You have power tools and very sharp implements at your disposal…Sound familiar? Anyone who’s undergone a major renovation with their loved ones understands the stresses involved and how it can strain your relationship. And if you’re one of those couples who chirp: “We never fought. With each passing day of home renovations, we’re more passionately in love…” Please keep your comments to yourself. We don’t want to hear about it.

We definitely have our moments, like the time I found myself arguing about why we need a dumpster while demolishing two bathrooms, or the time Tig changed his mind about the front bedroom when I originally wanted it to be the study. The biggest differences usually are related to our work-styles. I’m a spreadsheet gal; if I had project management software, I’d probably use it for our home renovations, complete with Gant charts. Tig likes to make cryptic notes on little sheets of paper, especially since he broke his phone which also served as his digital organizer.

Despite our differences, we’ve managed to make a go of fixing our home, and would like to share a few strategies here. We don’t have it figured out, and it goes without saying that each house and person is so unique that what works for us may not work for you. So humor us as we pontificate on love, remuddling, and the meaning of life:

Give yourself lots of lead time to dialogue about your likes and dislikes before a home renovation. Even before we bought our house, we talked ad nauseum about what kind of house we would like. We looked at open homes, books, catalogues, magazines, house blogs, salvage places, furniture shops. Through this process, we learned to negotiate our tastes before having to make the major choices. It also honed our communications and helped us speak a common language when discussing projects. Of course, this only works if you have the luxury of time.

Agree on the high priority items together and establish deadlines, knowing that deadlines are made to be broken. Be realistic. I’ve seen a houseblog where a couple decided to strip the woodwork in their living room and dining room first, while leaving their gutted bathroom alone. Unfortunately, it took them two years. They ended up with a drop dead gorgeous living/dining room, but when I last checked they were still taking sponge baths in their gutted bathroom. Not having a working shower would cause me to be very unhappy and possibly strain our home life. When we made a list of projects, the bathrooms were first on the priority list. Know yourself and plan accordingly.

Let each person’s talents and interests shine. Tig is great at scoping out good deals. He looks at the sale bin to pick up hardware for various projects around the house. He scored some inexpensive internet cable and a free vintage Tappan stove off of the internet, and will happily spend hours researching the best prices for everything from rocks to tile. He also does all the electrical work and most of the heavy lifting. I like to organize information into price lists, and yes, more spreadsheets. I also like to paint, sketch out design ideas for future projects and refurbish thrift store furniture. During big projects, I like to be the assistant.

Have all out periods of work on the house broken up by periods of neglect. We busted our butts for the first year, and then goofed off for a few months, fixing only little things. We need time to redefine our relationhip as larger than the house. I’m going to quote a lifestyle TV host, Dan Ho, “People cannot live without three things: family, friends and love.” The rest is just gravy. Do not let the hard work of home renovations mask the even harder work of being a good spouse/significant other.

Ban the idea of perfection. Put down the renovations-themed magazines, the home furnishings catalogue, the decor magazines and the glossy coffee table books featuring house porn. Close out the house blog and turn off the computer. There is so much pressure to have the perfect home. It’s even harder when you are holding each other to such high standards that any letdown becomes a point of contention. Oh, one more thing: don’t kill your spouse over a bad grout job.

To be continued…